Place of Stillness

Right now it is my favorite time of day, dusk. I can remember loving dusk even when I was a child. One of my favorite feeling memories from childhood was taking a walk after dinner at my Grandma's house when it was dusk. There is something about it that shifts things for me, somehow it leads me to a place of stillness and I experience a sense of true calm. This night in particular is one of my favorite kinds of dusks, the sky is overcast like it could rain but it won't, and the air is cool, but soft and warm at the same time, and every once in while there is a slight breeze but mostly it is still. It is like everything around me the trees, the plants, the birds, the people, everything is taking a deep relaxing breath after one of those long and tiring days. Like one of those days when it feels so good just to sit down and be done with the day.

I feel as though I have reached one of many dusks in my life recently. I have finally come to a place of resolve regarding one my family relationships. Without going into a long description, it has been a long and painful journey from me to get to this place. A place where I can take a deep breath and be happy that I have found what I was looking for, and though my journey may not be over, I have reached my place of contentment and if feels really nice. I can tell you for sure that during my journey I could not imagine getting to this place, or for that matter that a place like this existed. Just like during one of those days when life just seems crazy and then you get to the end of the day and you sit down and realize it is over and you can breath, just like dusk. This reminds my of one of my favorite quotes...

I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer ...

-rainer maria rilke

Performance Anxiety

So somehow I have managed to get stuck when it comes to blogging. I have been thinking about what to write about for many days now and nothings seem to be good enough for me. This somehow betrays the very reason I decided to write in the first place. This was going to be a space to reflect on my day, so how did I get to a place where I had nothing to say. I guess that when I have a story to tell I can write for hours but when it comes to writing about a day that was just normal I get lost.

This seems to be a theme in my life so far, at times when I am confronted with what's new in my life I freeze and have nothing to say "nothing new with me". Then I experience all this anxiety because I have to come up with something and of course I am stuck in some place void of any thing interesting, and then all of a sudden my life gets pasted by. Mostly this happens with people that I would like to be able to share more with, but somehow I end up getting scared and fall back on "nothing new". So somehow this space has become that person that I want to share with but can't. What if my life isn't interesting enough, what if I don't have anything to say, what if you think I am boring. So the fear bubbles up to the surface and hands over my two options 1) Stick to what you are good at, tell a story, people like your stories. 2) Go with the "nothing new here" that usually takes the attention off of you and you can move on. Well I would like a new option so here it is I am going to be present in the moment and say that I am scared and I have anxiety about what to write about. Sometimes it might not feel like it was good enough, it might not feel like I did my best, it might be scary to say somethings, but I am going to say them anyways. This is about me and sometimes all those things apply to who I am and all that I can do in this life is be honest with myself, so that is what I am going to do. I am going to accept my life for what it is and use this space to honor it.